September 28, 2002
Someone once told me that to write well you have to write what you know. This is what I know. I am 25 years old and I have never really kissed a guy. A geek to the core....at 17 it seemed as if my luck was about to change. Yes, it is embarrassing to share this with the whole world, but it would be hard to explain what I learned and how I learned it without sharing this humiliating history. I received an assignment. My first as a reporter. To go back to high school and find out about kids today. What I ended up finding was myself. And that high school hasn't changed. There is still that one teacher who marches to her own drummer. Those girls are still there, the ones that even as you grow up will remain the most beautiful girls you have ever seen close up. The smart kids who everyone else knew as the brains. I just knew them as my soulmates, my teachers, my friends. And there's still that one guy with his mysterious confidence who seems so perfect in every way. The guy you get up and go to school for in the morning. South Glen would not have been the same without him. High school would not have been the same without him. I would not have been the same without him....Never Been Kissed.
Well, anyone who knows me knows HOW I spent my high school years....online. It seems like another lifetime. Often I want to just forget all those years. But something happens....and I feel compelled once more to share. As much as I regret those days in many ways....I know that my experience here online had a part in developing me. Just about a year ago, my friend Michael said to me that we are who we are whether online or in "real" life. I have shared this before, but I did not realize the full impact of those words until now. Today, as I have spent the summer working with the public....I have seen the same things in "real" life as I saw online. And I have finally realized we are who we are....as Michael and the quotes say. It has actually been a sad discovery for me....because when I was online and disillusioned with people....I could blame the Internet. Now I see that many people choose to risk beautiful relationships for crazy reasons myself included. Unlike in the movie....we aren't able to "go back" and relive the experience after we "grow up and get smart"....we must just learn from it. I feel as if I learned to be very cautious in relationships. And for me if there is any reason not to fall in love with someone....then don't date them. Otherwise I feel as if I am taking advantage of the friendship. I have also learned I must give in order to receive in all areas of my life. And when I stop giving....I feel almost as if I have stopped living....and I am simply existing. The joy as Buscaglia says seems to come with giving. I often forget this. Buscaglia taught that living and loving go hand in hand. We love as we live....or we are not living. A quote I posted so long ago has renewed meaning as I write this....it is by Katherine Hepburn...."Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get - only with what you are expecting to give - which is everything."
Trials, temptations, disappointments -- all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fiber of character but strengthen it. Every conquering temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before....James Buckham.
song playing....Catch A Falling Star